Sunday, February 21, 2010

LKSH1/W00 Episode 3

MOTHER SAID THIS...Wait, no she didn't. I was raised in a tube.

[In the Zeit Krokodil’s dining room…]

              “Mail call!” Lee dropped the day’s stack of letters in the middle of the table where our heroes (well, heroines and one either/or variable) were about to dig into lunch.
              “Bill, bill, coupons, ad, coupons…” Guy!Haken sifted through the stack. “…’nother ad, ‘nother bill, lingerie catalog…man, Marion must keep herself on that mailing list just to screw with me and Lee.”
              “Take another look, Captain.” Aschen grabbed the catalog in question and turned it so the whole group could see its front. “Do you honestly believe Marion would have signed herself up for ‘Change-Up’?”
              “…I don’t see what the big deal is.”
              Kaguya started giggling. “Pfft…Suzuka, you want to tell him, or should I?”
              “I think you ought to break it to him.”
              “Oh, all right.” Kaguya took the catalog out of Aschen’s hand and opened it to a random page for Haken to see. “’Change-Up’ is actually Kagura Amahara’s premier retailer of casual and intimate fashions specifically designed for Spring of Drowned Girl victims and other magically induced transsexuals. Every product features enchanted polymorphic fabrics so they fit just right regardless of whether you’re sporting guy or girl parts.”
              “And how exactly did you become aware of this business?”
              “Suzuka ordered a couple pieces way back when as gag gifts for Shiki-Oni who’d fallen into the wrong springs. She’d been on the mailing list ever since and I found a couple catalogs when her mail was forwarded to Taketori Castle for a couple months.”
              “…Yeah, I’m just gonna excuse myself so I can figure out how to get off their mailing list…Aschen, you mind getting the disclaimer?”
              “Whatever, Captain.” Aschen collated the rest of the mail as Haken darted off to parts unknown with the magazine. “Super Robot Wars and related trademarks (including Endless Frontier) are TM and © Banpresto, Namco Bandai, and Monolith Soft, including as Super Robot Taisen in the United States (licensed to Atlus USA). Metal Gear is TM and © Kojima Productions and Konami Corporation. Plot enablers borrowed from Kamen Rider (TM/© Toei), Sailor Moon (TM/© Toei Animation), and Ranma ½ (TM/© Shogakukan/VIZ Media). No permission has been asked to use any of the above (or other trademarked IPs not listed), nor is any profit intended to be made by their unauthorized use herein.” With the legalese out of the way, Aschen slipped into Code DTD. “And all you deviantART and types, make sure you leave those reviews! Anonymous is fine too for the latter!”
              O’Malley bounced into the room, landing on Haken’s vacated seat. “Any of ye lasses know why the cowpoke’s makin’ a wish list in his room ‘stead of enjoying lunch with yeselves?”
              Suzuka sighed. “I figured he’d be getting off one way or another, just not off the mailing list…”

Lewd Kamen Senshi Haken 1/W00
An Endless Frontier-flavored multi-fandom blender by /m/’s Haken Browning

Episode 3: Aschen’s Path of Heaven! Tiger Clock Up!

[Lower decks of the Zeit – spare training room…]

              Thwack. Thwack. Thwack.
              Haken entered the Zeit Krokodil’s makeshift training room, only to find the practice dummy already engaged by Aschen in Sailor W07 form.
              Thwack. Thwack. Thwack.
              “Y’know, you’re never gonna break that thing with it set anywhere above Light.”
              Thwack. Thwack. Thwack. “Wasn’t planning on it.” Aschen connected with her last kick then set her leg down, reverting to regular form shortly after. “You remember how I wound up losing my arm and leg servos the first time we transformed, right?”
              “While you were thumbing through that catalog and taking a make-up lunch, I was down here trying to see how having functionally human limbs would impact my fighting style.”
              “And the results?”
              “Not well, if the punch results are anything to go by. Compared to just locking the wires on my robot arms, I’m putting out only one-third the force for my punches in Sailor mode.”
              “As for the kicks?”
              “Hell, I wasn’t even keeping track of those. Even so, I’d say I’m only getting half power out of them – discounting the rocket repulsors, of course.”
              “You think having a Frontier Senshi’s power is making you weaker?”
              “It’s…not a possibility I’ve been willing to entertain. Maybe it’s random, or maybe it’s some failsafe to make sure the admin Senshi is the strongest…Either way, it’s seriously cramping my style.” Aschen sighed as she inched toward the door.
              “Wait…you said it might be an issue with the admin?”
              “Yeah. You know how in all of those types of shows, the main magical girl is always at least one step above her comrades in powers, costume flashiness, and all that.”
              “Well, then, the solution’s obvious. Sailor W00 needs an upgrade.”
              “Oh, no you don’t! You just got a Rider belt a couple of days ago. If you keep stumbling upon new superpowers, what’s gonna be left for the rest of us?”
              “…Good point. I can’t be having ALL the fun.”
              “Indeed, Captain. But…it seems weird that if these things were supposed to be tied to our own fighting styles, then mine would be so distant from the way I actually fight…”
              “Our own fighting styles…Wait a minute…”
              “Get O’Malley and meet me in Marion’s lab. I think we might need them both on this.”

[A few minutes later…]

              O’Malley’s left ear-wing cocked up in sync with his eyebrow. “Ye want to do WHAT?”
              “Just what any sci-fi nut would do in this sort of situation: reverse the polarity of the magic flow. Or something. Aschen, you tell ‘em; the big words sound better coming out of YOU.”
              “Okey-dokey!” Aschen had already slipped into Code DTD for the impending technobabble storm. “Remember how the Mugen Amulets scanned us and rebuilt their powers around our own techniques?”
              “Well, shouldn’t that mean the original powers are still somewhere within the Amulets’ memory banks?”
              “A likely story, lass, but it’d play merry hell with your powers as a whole. Just changing forms would require all new attack incantations, new mana alignments…and that’s not even getting into potential bleedthrough to the REST o’ the Frontier Senshi’s powers!”
              “Then we don’t switch them,” Haken interjected.
“Since these things want to act like data as much as they do magic, then Marion could just write a patch and splice in the new abilities we need.”
              “Then what d’ye need ME for?”
              “Troubleshooting.” Aschen disengaged Code DTD and tossed O’Malley into Marion. “This’ll be the first time Marion’s gotten to work with a Mugen Amulet. You’ll be helping her decompile and recompile the code.”
              “You guys sure I need the fuzzball looking over my shoulder? I mean, most of my new projects require I do the work in private…”
              “Hey, it’s not like he’ll be Lee, getting bored because there’s nothing fleshy around to sink his teeth into.”
              “Perhaps, Captain, but then there’s always the prospect of Lee walking in on them and locking onto O’Malley as a Convenient Fleshy Thing.”
              AHEM, Lass.” The eyes on O’Malley’s ears flexed open. “Freakin’ Laser Beams, remember?”
              “Ah, right.” Aschen set her amulet on the table. “I guess we can leave the two of you to your devices, in that case.”
              “You’re not even going to tell us exactly what new powers you want?”
              “Hey, I don’t know the code either. But you’re both pretty familiar with my style: fast, powerful, very punch and kick-oriented. And I know Marion’s track record when she surprises us, so I’m giving the two of you license to surprise me.”
              “Can you really call it a surprise when you expect them to surprise you?”
              “…Don’t try to throw me an interminable loop, Captain.”
              O’Malley watched as the two left the laboratory. “Like brother and sister, the two of ‘em.”
              “Heh. You wouldn’t believe how close it got to being more of a parent/child dynamic.”
              “Long story, but you likely already know a third of it having met Haken in his…condition.”
              “Y’know, if it weren’t for this whole Senshi business, he could just order some Spring of Drowned Man and be done with it.”
              “He COULD, but probably won’t until he somehow stops finding it fun.”
              “Well, aside from not wanting to tell his father for some reason, he’s been finding ways to…amuse himself with the prospect of on-the-fly gender reassignment.”
              “Amuse himse-oh. Just…oh. I know Fate be a harsh mistress at times, but…seriously? …Oooh, I think I need an aspirin and some brain bleach.”
              “While you’re up, can you get me a tri-wing screwdriver?”

[Meanwhile, on the Zeit’s top deck…]

              “Y’know, it’s not exactly healthy to be reclining like this right after you eat.”
              “Says the girl whose body fat is in ALL the right places.” Suzuka cast aside her tanning mirror as she defused Kaguya’s admonishment. “And you know food doesn’t stick to me that well, anyway.”
              “Is that some sort of Shiki-Oni thing, where the only food you can keep down is raw flesh or something?”
              “No, it’s an ‘I’ve lived a particularly active lifestyle for the better part of a century and my body needs every calorie to keep up’ thing.” The demoness turned over to expose her back to the sun’s rays, taut fundoshi leaving little to be imagined about her well-exercised hips. “Though I must admit, this break from dancing might be just what I needed.”
              “Heh, if only MY training were half as rigorous.” Kaguya pulled up a second deck chair, careful not to set it down on Suzuka’s haphazardly discarded jacket and skirt. “Back when I interned with the Ura Genbu, Dad was all ‘We can’t risk the princess’s life haphazardly!’ and junk, so I wound up spending more time learning how to kiss ass in high society than learning  how to bust heads.”
              “…I can tell those lessons didn’t take quite well enough.”
              “What, because I can handspring off a sharpened edge no wider than my finger with a pair of DDs and not miss a beat?”
              “No, because your diction is slipping.” Suzuka’s hand drifted to brush some of her unbraided hair off to the side. “It’s ‘holding court’, not ‘kissing ass.’”
              “One and the same to me, really. I mean, you’re always inviting people to ‘hold court’ when you break out your ‘extra-special dances’, right?”
              “Touché. Or maybe ‘tushy,’ given the context.
              “You’re not trying to get me to ‘hold court’ with you, are you?”
              “That’s all you talking.” Rolling off her abdomen, Suzuka shifted from her reclining position to something a little more ‘come-hither’. “Unless you’re looking for a make-up lesson on refinement…But then again, I think it’d be better if we got Haken to sit in on it, too.”
              “But I thought you didn’t dance for small groups!”
              “Rules and traditions can be bent if necessary. I mean, we sort of saved the world the last time we offered a second opinion on the old ways, right?”
              Kaguya giggled. “Yeah, that was a fun gig. Speaking of which, I might have stumbled upon just the thing for that lesson in refinement in the newspaper this morning…”

[Back below decks…]

              “Hey, while you’re at more-or-less ‘full power,’ do you mind helping me with something?”
              “It’s not like I had anything else planned for the next…when did they say they’d be done, Captain?”
              “…Dammit!” Haken dashed back down the hall to the laboratory. “Sorry to rush you guys, but we never DID get an estimate on when you’d be fini-“
              “How’s ‘too late for the next Youma’ sound, lad?” O’Malley’s ears were perked up uncontrollably, apparently sensing the next surge of dark energy.
              “That doesn’t sound good. That doesn’t sound good at ALL. Did you pop Aschen’s amulet open yet?”
              Marion tossed the device into Haken’s hands. “Would have, but frickin’ Nintendo made the thing and O’Malley took a little while to find my specialized screwdrivers.”
              “I’ll have to make do, then.”
              All three turned toward Aschen, who had appeared just past the doorway out in the hall.
              “How far away is the target?”
              O’Malley concentrated. “…West city entrance. Only a couple underlings, but the lot of ‘em are made of ‘goes fast.’”
              “Sounds like my kind of fight.”
              “You and me, then?”
              “…Just me.”
              The others gasped.
              “Don’ be daft, lass! Y’know ye can’t seal these things by yeself!”
              “…The princesses aren’t quite at battle stations. If I can at least take out the grunts and minimize the damage, there’ll be a wide opening for Haken and either of the ladies to swoop in and make the kill.”
              “I always was good at heroic rescues, but are you sure you can handle yourself until we can relieve you?”
              “…I trust that you can put your lesser intentions aside, Captain.”
              The Mugen Amulet landed in Aschen’s hand. “You’ve got fifteen minutes.”
              “I’ll fight like I have ten.”

[Just inside the west entrance to Trodel Stadt…]

              “Kwaaaaaaaah!” The birdlike Youma puffed out his chest as he surveyed the fleeing citizens. “What kind of slowpokes ARE these people? I’m starting to think the City of Mirrors isn’t the best place for the Neo-Youma Empire to be taking root…”
              “Well, the heirs to the Amahara lines WERE sighted here. That’s straight from the last survivor of Muzagiborou’s regiment – ain’t no arguing with a man who’s looked death in the eye!”
              “I know THAT, Izu!” The bird-man shot a glare to his similarly-built companion. “I’m just saying, these people just aren’t worth us ruling! I mean, look-“ With nary an indicator save a couple feathers shaking off and the whoosh of air being displaced, the Youma was gone from his inferior’s side and in front of a straggling salaryman. “-On top of these humans looking like the wrong gust of wind could snap their heads off, they’re so SLOW!” As quickly as the bird had spooked the human, he was back at his partner’s side – his presence in front of the human replaced with a sharp pang in the bystander’s nether regions. “Can’t even bring myself to KILL the fellow, he ain’t worth the effort.”
              “What of the unknowns, sir?”
              “Hell, I don’t even care anymore. What say you and Langley find a nice, wide office building for us to ransack, hmm? I want our forward base up by nightfall.”
              “The only thing that’ll be going up tonight is your carcass on a spit.” The two Youma turned to face the new speaker. Aschen was dragging the third of their number by his collar, an uncharacteristic grin for normal mode playing across her face. “Man, I hope the rest of you Youma are as sloppy as HE was.” The subdued bird-man was thrown forward.
              Izu smirked. “Madam, I don’t know how you can make that sort of boast, but you’ll find that Lieutenant Aviano is hardly ‘sloppy.’”
              “Hey, I was gonna say that! …Ah, screw it. I’ll get Langley on his feet, you humor her until we get reinforcements.”
              “With pleasure, sir.” The subordinate bird-man struck a fighting pose.
              As did Aschen. “Tiger Frontier Fusion!” The android grimaced as her more mechanical features melted and smoothed into the human extremities of Sailor W07.
              “One of the unknowns, hmm? This’ll be a fun afternoon after all.” Izu darted out of Aschen’s field of vision with his own super speed.
              “’Made of goes fast,’ huh? Nothing I couldn’t fix with a TIGER SCYTHE KI-“ As Aschen launched into the spin kick, Izu knocked her off balance with a knee in the spine.
              “Oops, almost didn’t see that speed bump!”
              “Grrr…” Aschen swung around with a fist to compensate, prompting Izu to shift where her back was now exposed…
              …only to get her off-pivot foot in his gut for his trouble. “Kwaaaaaaaaaaah!” A hand over his windpipe silenced his screaming.
              “You’re just lucky I can’t finish you off on my own.” Suddenly, a beeping noise. “Or can I? Let me get this.” Aschen’s other hand withdrew her Mugen Amulet from inside her skirt. “This better be good, my hands are full already with one out of three.”

[En route to the city entrance…]

              Girl!Haken pressed the unfolded Amulet to ‘her’ ear as the remaining Frontier Senshi raced into the oasis limits of Trodel Stadt. “O’Malley found his manual – turns out there’s a way to access the old powers without having to take the Amulet apart!”
              “Phone keypad in the unfolded mode. Hold Pound, enter code…Yours is 5-2-8; he’s still scouring the liner notes for the other three.”
              “Wish I’d known this earlier; turns out these three were push-delay that, their backup’s arrived.”

[In the hot zone…]

              A small contingent of the Youma ninja underlings oozed up from the earth as Aschen tightened the grip around her hostage. “5-2-8, you said?”
              “Yeah, and get this – you can actually seal a Youma yourself if you force a burnout! O’Malley obviously doesn’t recommend that, but-“
              “Tell him if he objects, we’ll be having rabbit stew tonight.” Aschen hung up, tossing Izu to the ground before inputting the code.
              *cough* “Lucky numbers?” The other two bird Youma took positions among their mooks as Izu picked himself up off the floor.
              “…For me, at least.” A clasp appeared at the waistline of Sailor W07’s fuku, which Aschen attached the Amulet to in anticipation of what was to come.
              “Y’know, you only got me with a lucky shot. There’s no way you can keep up with the speed of all three of us!”
              “Can’t blame me for try-“ Aschen stumbled, head in one hand.
              “What’s the matter? Realized trying to match us in speed would disintegrate your bones?”
              [CAST OFF – CHANGE LAMIA]
              Aschen rose to face Izu, wearing the same expression from when she took out Langley earlier. “Walking the path of Heaven…I set the pace for all others to follow.”
              “Just ‘cause you took off your ribbon doesn’t mean you can get rid of me that easi-“
              “Tiger Clock Up!”

[Within the space of a blink of an eye…]

              “…No, but THIS does.”
              Izu was flabbergasted that Aschen was matching his supersonic movements. “You…you ought to be liquefied moving at this speed…”
              “…You ought to be still.” A punch knocked Izu into one of the ninja, shattering it like an ice sculpture from the motion transfer in real time. When the bird Youma failed to get back up…wait, he wasn’t failing, Aschen was just moving at super speed while HE wasn’t! “Hate to kick you when you’re down, but… TIGER SEALING TECHNIQUE: GENBU HAMMER!” Leaping into the air, Aschen focused her energy into her outstretched right foot before bringing it down on Izu’s head.

[Back in real time…]

              Izu’s body dissipated almost as soon as it hit the ground, replaced with an exhausted and de-morphed Aschen. “Hey, that was my best sergeant you just killed!”
              “And he owed ME ten bucks!”
              “You’re ruining the moment, Langley! But it looks like you could only pull that trick once…Nevertheless, the operation is a shambles thanks to you, so I’ll make sure your death lasts long enough for me to wring every last ounce of pain from you!”
              “Sod off, you overgrown chicken!”
              “What the-“
              “Oh, hey guys…the birds move in some sort of dilated time…I just put down their third when the secondary powers let me in…”
              The other three Senshi took their positions. “Phantom Frontier Fusion!”
              “Blossom Frontier Fusion!”
              “Fever Frontier Fusion! Oh-hohohoho!”
              Kaguya/Sailor Nanbu glared at Suzuka/Sailor GUN-Oh as Haken/Sailor W00 spoke. “Aschen, can you move a body?”
              “I’m still feeling a little stiff, but-“
              “I said A body, not YOUR body.” Haken jerked ‘her’ thumb at Suzuka.
              “Yeah, I can move a body. Rate’s double for live ones, though.”
              “Hey, who decided I’D be doing the fusion?”
              “You called dibs with that creepy laugh. If it makes you feel better, though…” Kaguya raised her sword up high. “…at least you won’t have to deal with the small fries. NANBU BLADE BLOSSOM!”
              Suzuka pouted as the whirling metal shards obliterated the ninjas and forced the two remaining bird Youma to evade. “…Fine, I’ll wrap this one up – but only ‘cause those paper cuts you’re giving the birdies actually seem to slow them down enough.”
              “Huh? I was just trying to draw them inwa-“
              “Suzuka’s got a point.” Haken’s finger followed a thin but recognizable disturbance in the shrapnel cloud’s motion. “They’ve gotta be caught in that storm and forcing the Blade Blossom bits to travel around or through them. Kaguya, keep it up until there’s only one of those blockages!”
              “OK, but…why only one?”
              In case Suzuka can’t deliver.”
              “Them’s fighting words!” Suzuka plugged in her Amulet’s Sealing Chip. “Frontier Sealing Formation: Phantom Fever!”
              Haken winced as Suzuka’s soul pounced into ‘her’ body. “{Did you forget already that I’m no one-trick pony?}”
              Is it going to hurt for you to remind me?
              “{Eh, not you, at least.}” Otherworldly boxes formed up on Sailor W00’s gloves and boots. “PHANTOM FEVER SEALING TECHNIQUE: BOMBARD BOOGALOO!” The forward-facing sides of each box ignited with laser pulses shooting outward.
              Hey, you aren’t even shooting where Kaguya’s got them pinned!
              “{Wait for it…}” The shrapnel cloud slowed as Kaguya’s focus waned, revealing Aviano and Langley disengaging their super speed to recuperate. “{Now!}” A fan materialized in Haken’s hand, which Suzuka pointed at the bird-men. The streams of light extending from the glove/boot emitters bent accordingly, piercing and eventually swallowing both Youma.
              Suzuka’s exit from Haken’s body left the latter gasping as the three relief Senshi de-morphed. “Whoa…feeling kinda dizzy…”
              Kaguya frowned. “Oh, great, it’s one of THOSE shows where the finishing move kills the hero if he uses it too much.”
              “Nah, it’s not THAT sort of dizzy…I just realized…with that last attack…now all three of you have been inside me at one point…”
              Aschen clonked the white-haired pervert in the back of ‘her’ head. “Mind out of the gutter, Captain, we have to evacuate!”

[Aboard the Zeit…]

              “Well, THAT was strangely convenient. Turns out the stock Sailor powers happen to be able to handle a Youma all by themselves–“ Aschen’s hand darted for O’Malley’s neck. “–Which, I might add, runs contrary to what you said about us requiring the lead Sailor’s assistance.”
              *hack* “…There’s a good reason I had to hide it from ye, lass…”
              “That being?”
              “…If I told ye now, it’d be impossible for ye to comprehend…”
              “I’ve made sense of some pretty impossible things. Try me.”
              “The only hint I can give ye is in how ye have to overload the blamed thing.”
              “All right, Aschen, you can put him down.” Guy!Haken wiped off the remaining damp spots on his face with a paper towel. “No sense biting the hand that feeds us before the kitchen closes.”
              “As long as you’re not hot-dogging it for ‘marketing’ purposes, I’ll allow it.” The android set the Mutant Eye down. “Just remember that I know my code now, and we can access the other three if their use becomes absolutely necessary, got it?”
              *pyuuuuu* “A-Aye, lass. I only pray your definition of ‘absolutely necessary’ is as narrow as mine…”
              “Maybe there’s another good reason for Marion to have a look at these, after all.” Haken tossed his Mugen Amulet a couple of times. “Could we avert this incomprehensible (but likely bad) fate with a little hotwiring?”
              “Right now, I’d be more concerned about your lady love’s plans for ye.” O’Malley withdrew something from his ear and handed it to Haken.
              “Huh, a ticket…for the OPERA?”

[Episode 3 END]

[Next Episode Preview]

              Guy!Haken: Do you honestly expect me to attend the opera?
              Kaguya: Of course not! *throws cold water in Haken’s face* I expect HER to.
              Girl!Haken: This doesn’t exactly help things.
              Kaguya: Oh, lighten up! A little culture will do you good.
              Aschen: This could only have been borne of Kaguya’s need to present Haken as an ideal husband.
              Suzuka: Yeah, if her ideal husband was actually her wife.
              O’Malley: Or it could just be padding to keep the next big twist from coming too early.
              Suzuka: That too.
              Kaguya: Either way, On the next LKSH1/W00, Episode 4: Resonance of a Woman’s Sorrow! Il Tragedia di Eva!
              Girl!Haken: Wouldn’t this be better as a Christmas special?
              Kaguya: Oh, now people are gonna be getting ideas…

No comments:

Post a Comment