[In a makeshift recording booth aboard the Zeit Krokodil…]
“Er-hehm.” Haken Browning cleared his throat. “Quick note about the fic that’s about to follow…See, there’s no logical reason for me to have the Spring of Drowned Girl curse, which more or less is gonna enable this series as a whole. Truth is, we’re actually doing this as a sequel to the…much more adult story where I contracted it in the first place. We’re a little lazy to rewrite it without the sex (seeing as how it was 75% sex by volume), but luckily Kaguya’s prepared a bare-bones summary of the events therein.”
The camera panned to a small shadowbox that Kaguya Nanbu had apparently fashioned for some sort of puppet show. Sure enough, a clearly feminized puppet of Haken emerged on one side of the “stage” and started speaking in an obvious falsetto.
“Man, we got SOOOO drunk last night…” The puppet Haken’s head bobbed down. “Holy crap, how’d I get boobs?”
A puppet Kaguya entered the “stage” from the opposite end. “Uh…sorry ‘bout that. I must’ve spilled some Spring of Drowned Girl in yours last night.”
“It’s OK. I’ll forgive you because this is secretly my fetish.” With that, the Haken puppet squished into the Kaguya puppet while the real Kaguya started making kissing noises.
“What’s all this, then?” A third puppet, this time of Aschen Brodel, entered from stage right. Apparently the emerald-haired android was playing herself in this re-enactment and exaggerating her stoicism for kicks.
“I appear to have unlocked Haken’s Fun Mode! You want some of this?”
Black chunks of felt on the Aschen puppet’s forehead slid back in an apparent pantomime of Code DTD activating. “Hell yeah, I want some of that!”
“I wasn’t expecting to get more of this, but I’ll take it anyway ‘cause I have Secret Mommy Issues which sort of make this also my fetish.” And then the Aschen and Haken puppets started “making out”, with the two puppeteers resuming the kissing sound effects.
The camera returned to the real Haken. “And that’s a quick glimpse of how far down the crapper our characterization is gonna go. Got issues with it? Go bawwww on TV Tropes or something. Don’t got issues with it? Then here’s Suzuka with the disclaimer.”
Suzuka took a deep breath before rattling off the legalese. “Super Robot Wars and all related materials are TM and © Banpresto Co. Ltd. and Namco Bandai Games, Inc., including as Super Robot Taisen in the United States. Super Robot Taisen OG Saga: Endless Frontier is one of such related materials, copyrighted by Monolith Software and licensed to Atlus USA, Inc. Kamen Rider and all its official offshoots are TM and © Toei Studios, except those two that Saban Entertainment and 4Kids Entertainment fucked up royally. Similarly, Sailor Moon is TM and © Toei Animation, but Nelvana and DiC can keep their shares of the dub for all we care. Ranma ½ is a Shogakukan/VIZ Media joint, not that it really matters since we’re borrowing only the one plot device. Finally, for foreshadowing purposes, Metal Gear/Metal Gear Solid and all its bits are TM and © Kojima Productions and Konami Corporation.”
“Suffice to say that the author holds no controlling or other ownership interest in any of the above, except for obsessive consumption of their products. And anything else in here that remotely looks like it should be copyrighted probably is, rights reserved to people or corporate entities other than Team Phantom Tiger. This is a free fanfic – not for sale or rent!” Haken punctuated the last of the disclaimer by splashing a cup of cold water into his face…well, ‘her’ face now. “On with the show!”
Lewd Kamen Senshi Haken 1/W00
An Endless Frontier-flavored multi-fandom blender by /m/’s Haken Browning
Episode 1: Rise, Heroines! Frontier Senshi Foundation!
[In the dining room of an Amahara steakhouse in Trodel Stadt…]
“I feel overdressed for this sort of thing.”
“You’ve got to be the LEAST overdressed of all of us. And I KNOW you wouldn’t be complaining if we let you do this as a guy…”
Haken’s head fell into ‘her’ palm in defeat. Indeed, it had less to do with the intricacy of ‘her’ clothing and more to do with the fact that Kaguya insisted this be a “girls’ night out” in every sense of the word. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s just…I’d kinda wanted to keep my ‘condition’ between the four of us, y’know?”
“And let such a fine body go to waste? Nonsense! Besides, it’s not like it’s just the four of us – I remember you couldn’t help but scream loud enough that first morning that Marion and Lee took notice-“
“…Fine, six, whatever. And maybe also Reiji, Xiaomu, and KOS-MOS if we ever see them again. But aside from them, I’d like to keep this whole ‘turning into a girl’ thing a secret.”
“Pfft, like any random stranger’s going to ask.” Suzuka put down her menu to size up the distraught cow…er, ‘girl’. “As far as anyone could tell, you’re just Kaguya’s new girl-pal.”
“And there’s the problem. As long as I’m associated with Kaguya in this form, I’ll have to deal with the same scrutiny under the public eye that SHE does. And then people will wonder what she’s doing with ME and not, well, me. And THEN they’ll wonder why you never see guy-me and girl-me in the same room, and that suspicion works its way up the social ladder until CERTAIN individuals put two and two together!”
Aschen, who’d been silent ever since the four had ordered their drinks, interjected. “…It’s your father, isn’t it?”
“Nailed it. He’s spent the better part of two decades raising me as his SON, and I’ve already weirded him out once over the whole W00 thing. The last thing I want is to have to explain THIS little bit of weirdness.”
“We could always elope or something,” Kaguya suggested. “Then when you’re Prince Regent of the Amahara royal family, you could just roll out a couple superficial laws telling people not to get weirded out by your little gender identity crisis…Or maybe ‘First Consort’ would be the preferable title?”
“…Do shut up.” Haken scooted ‘her’ chair back and rose. “I think I need a moment outside to think about all this…” Would probably prefer a change of clothes and a splash of hot water, too, but you three are watching me too closely as is.
“But the server’s about to take orders!”
“Not hungry!” With that, ‘she’ rushed to the front door, leaving the other three bewildered for a moment.
“…Taking all bets on what his problem is! I got a 4:1 spread on Pronoun Trouble, 3:1 on Daddy Issues, and even money that he’s just going ‘round back to the dumpster to jill off!”
Aschen thwapped Suzuka with her menu, then grabbed the Shiki-Oni’s menu and thwapped her again with that for good measure. “Not helping. …That said, I’ll put ten on Daddy Issues.”
“Gee, THAT was a good show of consideration…Oh, what the hell, put me down for five on Pronoun Trouble.”
[On the side of the building…]
Head hung low, Haken sauntered towards the back of the steakhouse (thankfully for our distributors, NOT with any masturbatory intent). These sorts of things and the doubt that came with them generally didn’t happen while ‘she’ was male…Huh, that might be it. Why’d I bother going outside when I could’ve just taken a minute or so in the restroom? A couple minutes or so in the stall to collect my thoughts as a dude, and…Naaah, that would’ve been too risky. Which means I’m right back here, at Square One…
*Pyooooo~n*
The strange purr interrupted Haken’s inner monologue. “…Was that a stray cat? You’d think the stereotype that conjured up would be more Xiaomu’s thing.” Nevertheless, ‘she’ moved to investigate, just in case some staffer really WAS short on acceptable meats. Rounding the corner, Haken braced to face a potential deranged sushi chef…
…And found ‘her’self eye-to-eye with a pint-sized Mutant Eye instead.
Awww…it looks so lonely…but it might shoot me with Freakin’ Laser Beams if I agitate it…But it looks so cute! It almost HAS to want you to pet it…so it can sucker you into the range of its Freakin’ Laser Beams! …But those innocent little eyes, those big floppy ears…Need I reiterate, FREAKIN’ LASER BE-
“Oi, Miss, if yer jus’ gonna stare all night, then I hope ye don’ mind if I return the favor.”
A left hook sent the Mutant Eye into the wall with a resounding *Pyuuu~*. “Sweet Mother of Muriel, ye punch like a Highlander, lass! An’ not from Highlander II or them two syndicated series, either – an honest-to-Connery, straight-to-home-video-“
“If you want to talk Elfetale film, you’d be better off hanging out behind the pub two blocks down.”
“No can do, lass. I was told to wait out here for the Chosen One.”
This is so cliché, it burns. “Chosen One? You’re liable to become the Chosen One yourself – chosen to get mixed into the Beef Tips appetizer, that is.”
“Don’t go underestimating the great Pyo O’Malley so quickly, lass…Or wait, maybe ‘lad’ would be more comfortable to ye?” Haken went wide-eyed. “Oh, don’t be daft, I’ve seen me share of Jusyenko junkies in me time. I can tell ye’ve only now gotten yer lady legs.”
“And let me guess, that qualifies as ‘Chosen One’ material in your book?”
“Well, no. Today’s cryptic prophecy phrase is ‘And the Hook shall find himself strung along, and he shall ponder how tangled he is on the line, and in his answer find that he only binds himself.’ Obviously can’t be you, lass, ye don’t look a fisherman’s part.”
“No, but you might have just answered some completely different questions for me. I’ve been thinking too hard about some new complications in my life, rather than letting the answers fall into place like I usually do. I think it’s about high time I started just going with the flow again…Thanks, little fella. Hope you find your Chosen One.”
“Eh, not like these prophecies ever quit fulfilling themselves one way or another. Take care, lass…lad…whatever.”
[Back inside…]
No sooner had Haken taken ‘her’ seat than the fire alarm started ringing across the restaurant.
“What the…? You’d think they’d tone down the sensitivity of those things for this kind of restaurant…”
“They do, Captain. Which makes me think this isn’t exactly a false alarm…”
As if to punctuate Aschen’s deduction, a scared chef burst out of the doors to the kitchen, running full blast for the door.
“Everyone out! Oni! Oni! Everyone, run! Run as fast as you can!”
“Hey, I find that several kinds of racist! Apologize now, or I’ll have a discrimination suit come down on you so hard-“
“Suzuka, he wasn’t slurring against you.” Kaguya pointed toward the kitchen doors – or rather, the jagged humanoid emerging from them.
“GRAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Yes, mortals, tremble in terror! Your screams shall seal my claim of this land for the Neo-Youma Empire!”
“Neo-Yo-wha?”
“Who dares defile our Empire’s sacred name so casually?” The agitated monster turned towards the four ladies, affording them a closer look at his blood-red, armor-like carapace. “…Oh? Well, THIS is a greater conquest than I thought! The proclamation of Neo-Youma’s rise will be IMMENSELY improved with the princesses of THOSE two kingdoms in my possession!”
“Aw, man, first day dealing with a new world takeover/destruction plot and we’re already marked by the bad guys!”
“Suggested course of action, Captain?”
“You’re the only one of us with built-in weapons, what the hell do you THINK?”
And then the four started hoofing it.
[Down the street…]
“This is a very uncharacteristic course of action, Captain.”
“Yeah, well, being FEMALE and NOT armed to the teeth are uncharacteristic states of being for me. In the meantime, we haul ass to the Zeit, arm up, and pray it takes more than 10 minutes for Big Red there to turn Oro Sushi into an evil castle full of random encounters.”
“Oi, wait up, lass!”
“What the-“
Haken turned around, only to be slammed in the face by a furry teal ball that quickly unfurled itself into the form of Pyo O’Malley. “It just hit me, lass!”
“I think you need to take a step back and realize WHO just hit WHO.”
“Not THAT, the prophecy! It was YOU, lass!”
“Me?”
“The ‘Hook’, lass! Ye be the ‘Hook’! Yer name’s Olde Formidian fer’ it!”
“OK, so apparently I’m the Chosen One. Now, if you’ll excuse me, we’ve got to go grab our monster-killing crap.”
“Don’ be so hasty, lass! I got a package for ye for just that!” O’Malley curled back into ball form, then unfolded once again, clutching a wooden box in his paws. “Yer modern toys wouldnae be useful ‘gainst that Youma’s dark aura, anyway.”
“So this Youma business-“
“The Cliff’s Notes go as such, lass: big kingdom of great demons from the last age of the unified Frontier, Amahara and the Shiki-Oni allied themselves to seal ‘em away, crafted these awesome magical trinkets for in case they got butthurt somewhere down the road. Like right now.” O’Malley propped open the box, revealing a quartet of compacts. “Four for four, lasses. Ye in or out?”
“…Well, ladies? He IS pulling prophetic rank, after all.”
“…I am unsure exactly how the magic within one of these would affect me, if at all.” Aschen engaged Code DTD to accelerate her deliberation. “Eh, shouldn’t hurt either way, right?”
“It ain’t installin’ Windows Vista, I can tell ye that. That’ll make two, counting the Jusyenko junkie.”
“That ugly slab of beefcake wanted to claim us as his possessions! Like hell I’m letting him or any of his kind get away with that!”
“And that’s three. Kaguya, you up for it?”
“…I guess I can write it off as a ‘defense of the realm’ thing, seeing what kind of history these Youma have with Amahara… So we’ve agreed to this thing, now what?”
“Each of ye, grab one of the Mugen Amulets. The rest’ll pop into your head as it’s needed. Some sort of iso-psionic whatever – I read the manual on these things, but not the liner notes.” The four carefully extracted their amulets from the box…only for nothing much to happen after that.
“Huh? They’re not responding?”
“Maybe we’ve got to swap them, like, we accidentally grabbed each other’s or somethi-“
Kaguya was cut off by the four artifacts suddenly glowing in unison.
Soul Link established. Scanning combat history…Scan complete.
“Combat history?”
“A failsafe built into the Mugen Amulets – Should they fall into the hands of seasoned warriors like ye apparently be, they’ll scan ye brains and reconstruct their magical repertoire to revolve around your fighting styles. Much easier than having to learn magical girl combat from the ground up, nae?”
Armament calibration complete. Uploading activation trigger…
“Looks like Big Red’s finally gotten outside – and scrounged up some friends!” Suzuka pointed toward the dozen or so ninja-looking creatures surrounding the Youma as he advanced down the street.
Trigger upload complete. Configurations designated: “Sailor Nanbu,” “Sailor GUN-Oh,” “Sailor W00,” and “Sailor W07.” Command access delegated to “Sailor W00.”
“I guess that means it’s showtime. Ready, ladies?”
“Affirmative.”
“As I’ll ever be.”
“Are you kidding? I was born ready!”
“All right, then…” Haken cleared ‘her’ mind, letting the activation trigger come to the forefront. “FRONTIER FUSION FORMATION!”
The next thirty seconds were a blur of sensation for each of the newly-recruited heroines. Though the colors were in different orders for each one, the most common theme was their skin taking on an iridescent sheen while their clothes fused into liquid masses, reforming into the uniforms of four destined warriors.
“…OK, now I REALLY feel overdressed.” Haken’s shift into Sailor W00 had morphed ‘her’ tank top, overcoat, and khaki pants into a jet-black fuku sporting gold trim better suited to ‘her’ male form’s prized gunslinger ensemble. Equally black-and-gold arm-length gloves and stockings rounded out the outfit, themselves specked with bits of red.
“Oh, come on, you’re carrying the look better than I am, at least.” Suzuka’s change into Sailor GUN-Oh had changed her wardrobe just as drastically as Haken’s, the sky blue of her jacket and skirt now distributed across her fuku, arm gloves, and stockings with hints of black and gold.
“At least the two of you actually got a real change of clothes out of this!” Kaguya’s one-size-too-small cocktail dress and its ensemble hadn’t been displaced too much in her transformation into Sailor Nanbu, save for an extension of the microskirt into a proper skirt-and-petticoat combo.
“…Preliminary analysis complete. I appear to have gotten shafted.” Aschen’s shift into Sailor W07 had apparently melted away the motors in her extremities and the rocket boost parts associated with them. The untrained eye might have considered the smoothed-out arm gloves and stockings a worthy consolation prize, however.
“Ye can fret about ye fashion later! Right now your target is-“ *pyuuu~* One of the ninja-alikes in the Youma’s employ planted a boot in O’Malley’s belly, sending the Mutant Eye flying.
“Cold start, hmm? All right then, let’s test drive these powers by running over all these mooks!” A gut punch from Haken felled the ninja who’d punted O’Malley as the other three Sailors engaged their own targets.
“Please…feel free to take me on all at once…” Encircled by ninja, Kaguya willed a sword into her hand not unlike the Goshiki Zankantou. “NANBU BLADE BLOSSOM!” She raised the sword high, allowing metal shards to detach from the blade’s reverse and whirl through the enemy ranks like hundreds of scythes in so much wheat.
“Hey, try to save some for me!” Suzuka willed what appeared to be twin gatling barrels onto her forearms, just below the palm. “GUN-OH FEVER FUSILLADE!” The barrels began spinning and spitting flashes of light that pierced target after target.
“Looks like the princesses have crowd control covered. The big lug’s mine!” Aschen leapt into the air, leg poised to crash into the Youma. “TIGER LANCE KICK!” The kick connected with the Youma’s blocking arm, spawning cracks in its armor from the point of impact.
“GRAAAAAAAAAAH! What power is this? Nothing has so much as DENTED the great Muzagiborou’s armor in a thousand years!”
“Hope I’m making as much of a milestone for your flesh, then!” Haken had used the Youma’s attention on Aschen to sneak into killing blow range. “PHANTOM PLASMA STAKE!” The spiked apparatus on ‘her’ arm dug into the back of Muzagiborou’s chest, making him cough up a purplish-black substance that had to be analogous to blood.
“Heh heh…not bad for amateurs…but do you know what it REALLY takes to kill a Youma?” Muzagiborou swatted away Haken with his good arm, shifting into a defensive stance.
“What the-I just put a freakin’ stake through your lung! Organ redundancy be damned, the entry wound alone should have you bleeding to-“ Said wound was quickly enveloped in the blood-like fluid, which eventually dried back into Muzagiborou’s proper flesh tone. “Oh. Healing factor. That would do it.”
“Ye’ve got the right idea, lass, there just ain’t enough power in only one of ye!” O’Malley had somehow gotten back on his feet, and was scrambling towards Haken. “Ye need two souls at once to put a Youma away for good! Dunno why, that’s just the way the symbolism works!”
“You mean, like both of us hitting him at once?”
“If it were that easy, would ye need the blasted Sailor outfit? One of yer pals has to upload their soul into ye, and then ye scrub out the Youma’s dark energy with an appropriate flashy fusion attack! All temporary, of course, ye know how this sort of combination works.”
“Do you MIND, hairball?” Muzagiborou’s cracked arm shot toward O’Malley’s throat. “It’s impolite to discuss how to kill a fellow while he’s listening, you know!”
*pyuuu-hack* “…Sealing chip…inside the Amulet…set to Upload…” *cough*
“Hands off the laser bunny!” Haken reared back for another stake drive, but ‘her’ arm was caught in Muazgiborou’s other hand. “Tch…Aschen, you heard him! Check your Amulet for a ‘Sealing Chip’ or whatever!”
“C’mon, handy slide cover…There!” The face and top of Aschen’s Mugen Amulet slid upward with a flick of the thumb, revealing the Sealing Chip within a bottom compartment. “Here’s hoping this works…” The chip was inserted into a slot just below the amulet’s hinge. “Frontier Sealing Formation: Phantom Tiger!”
Aschen fainted after the incantation, falling into Suzuka’s arms as her soul surged into Haken’s body. “PHANTOM TIGER SEALING TECHNIQUE: KIRIN DRIVE!” Reflexes augmented with Aschen’s melee speed, Haken jabbed at Muzagiborou’s elbow with ‘her’ free arm, dislocating it and forcing the Youma to drop O’Malley. Before he could mount a proper defense, though, Haken started barraging him with lightning kicks to the gut, then rapid jabs to the face, then an uppercut that sent him several dozen feet in the air. Not sparing a second, the fused Sailor flipped into a handstand, then pushed ‘her’self into the air, legs cutting a hole through the Youma as ascent met descent.
Muzagiborou’s battered corpse melted into the night as Haken neared the apex of the jump, at which point Aschen’s soul disengaged itself and streamed back into its proper body. This left Haken…unprepared to free-fall from 20 feet in the air, almost head-first. “Whoaaa, what the craaaaap?” Luckily, Kaguya and O’Malley were bracing for the fall, and the former managed to catch ‘her’ before bone could meet pavement. “…Huh. Airbags really DO save lives.”
“Shut up.”
[Later, aboard the Zeit Krokodil…]
Finally back home and in male form, Haken decided it was high time O’Malley spilled the beans regarding the night’s events. “It’s fairly obvious that we won’t be facing the one guy. How many more Youma are we going to have to deal with, and how far are they going to be spread out?”
“The prophecies were never quite clear on how many they’d bring. Yer a keen lad to be asking the second part, though. It’s said that they seek to consume the City of Mirrors as they start pouring into this world, and that nearly the whole of their forces will be committed to this.”
“And with Trodel Stadt being one big, shiny metropolis…”
“Ye guessed it. If this world is to survive, it’ll be needing the services of the Frontier Senshi for a while yet.”
“Frontier Senshi?”
“…The ancients also spoke of lucrative marketing deals and the need to establish brand identity.”
“Suuuure, that’s the ‘Ancients’ talking.”
“I wouldn’t be so hasty to dismiss this train of thought,” Aschen interjected. “Even with the need to maintain secrecy about our identities, there’s always the chance for a photo op or two with cash payment…”
“Do you honestly think I’d stoop so low as to perform super-heroics for money?”
“…Yes.”
“…OK, you got me. But the official line is gonna be that at least I have a way to go out in public in girl form and not be totally jittery about it.”
“Tell yourself what you want, but I KNOW you’ll go for any loot that pops up during our adventures.”
“I can’t help it if the money’s attracted to me! Or the power. Or the women.”
“…Is he naturally this confident, or did he get it from years of having it easy?”
“A little from Column A, a little from Column B. But if it ain’t broke…”
[Episode 1 END]
[Next Episode Preview]
Haken: How do you expect readers to walk into the gender-bender dynamic cold turkey? I barely spent five or six lines as a guy this episode!
Kaguya: Don’t worry, we’ve got you lined up for plenty of man-service in the next one!
Suzuka: You’re just saying that ‘cause the “Kamen” part of the show’s title entails his ass being covered in spandex.
Kaguya: Am not! But seriously, Haken’s masculine side takes center stage in the next episode, as he faces a slightly more down-to-earth threat to the Endless Frontier! On the next LKSH1/W00, Episode 2: Commence Virtuous Henshin! Kamen Rider TheSnake!
Suzuka: Age hasn’t slowed you down one bit…
Haken: The VR training helped.
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